I have recently found myself at a loss for words. Although I mustered up a few to create this blog post… theres no easy or tactful way of saying my life at its current standstill sucks…
Don’t get me wrong, the joys of motherhood have far outweighed the sleepless nights, messy house and less time to craft & blog. But of course when I think things in life are getting good, the universe steps in to tell me it has other plans.
My husband lost his job last week. What a blow this was. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Financially. My list could go on but crying on my keyboard may make it short circuit…then I really don’t know what I would do. Thankfully, as some of you may know, I started back at work again late December. I do make more money than my husband, not something I am happy about, but it’s good to know we won’t be TOO strapped. Although don’t get me wrong, we’re going to need to be quite tight with our money until his first paycheck rolls in…from whatever new job he finds….whenever he finds it.
I know it’s only been a short 2 days since he lost his job (not including his weekend), but I feel like his efforts just aren’t enough. He tells me its depressing to look, but I can’t see that as a viable excuse. You should want to do good and to be able to provide for your family. If I were a man, it would light a small fire under me to get motivated to find a better job, especially if we were having to rely on my wife. I’m very old fashioned when it comes to men being supporters. Im not saying women need not work, it shouldn’t be like that either. I’m simply stating that I prefer to know the man brings in the majority of the income. It’s nice to know he wants to work hard at a job that pays well, to provide the most and best he can for his family. I also know with how many surgeries he has had, and broken bones, that he will never have a job that pays AMAZINGLY well in field he is interested working in, because his old bones just can’t hack the wear and tear. He’s 27 but has had surgery for arthritis in his wrist, shoulder surgery, knee surgery, and several broken bones which have been lucky enough to fuse together with a little time and a cast.
While I was on maternity leave, the finances were tight as well. I did receive a check from the state to help with the months that I would be off, and it did cover my portion of the bills…. however its a lot harder to get money from the government when you’re not a mother …or a child for that fact. Sure he can apply for unemployment but the chances of him getting it are slim to none. The amount of loop holes you have to jump through outweigh the time he could be spending looking for a job.
I’m not sure if this is with all men, but his motivation is just not there. I had to whip up a resume for him, which also concerns me. I can’t be in every interview, but I don’t want him failing either. He struggles with confidence in this area, and I would hate for that to over power the employers view on his work ethic. Im really torn on what to do here.
On top of all that, which is quite the burden in its self, I find out my new car needs a tune up, to the tune of $250! I am just getting back on my feet financially with work, and life slaps me with a $250 bill, which is also just an estimate so surely it’s expected to go up. Just to add to this banana split sundae of a disaster, our lease is up for our apartment. Sure we can stay, and take a $50 rent increase, which is just not something we need right now..or we can move. And be forced to come up with first and last months rent at another place..which is ALSO not doable. Nothing is really doable for me right now besides winning the lottery. Of course there is more to add (oh yes, it gets better). Tarl lost yet another thing today, his phone. The only form of communication between him and potential employers and he loses it. We’re at the bottom of the ninth, 2 strikes, bases loaded, and we just struck out…if you aren’t feeling better about your life by reading this, I don’t know what can help.
Normally, I am a very positive person. In fact, I’m the happiest person at my work place. It’s an accomplishment I’d say…when all of your co-workers like you, and they all want to work with you, i consider that a huge feat. Work is where you spend 90% of your life…why not make it a job you love and with people you get along with makes it even better. But back to my sad moral of the story, my positivity just hasn’t been able to help me up from this knock down drag out month. Sometimes, for me any way, it feels good to just sulk and be sad and drink wine for a few hours. But I can’t help but to think to myself “what have I done SO wrong in my life, to deserve these punishments and hardships?” I begin thinking back to the times i cheated in board games with my sister, or didn’t do my chores when my mom asked. Surely something pissed the karma gods off to let me endure this kind of pain.
Then there are the people out there who try shoving positivity down my throat. “it’ll all work out in the end” “every thing happens for a reason” “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and all those other nasty words of encouragement. Can’t I just be sad and sassy for one day? Perhaps I am seeing this in the wrong light…perhaps there is a small…dim…burning out light at the end of this hellish tunnel. When shall we see the light? I don’t fucking know, but I’m getting afraid of the dark and I don’t like not being able to control my feelings or what life throws at me. It scares me to not have that financial cushion to rely on when things get tight or we want to treat ourselves to a night out. I hate NOT having money. I hate having that financial limitation. This isn’t how I pictured my life. I don’t want to blame my husband / fiance for my problems at all…but it seems like I inherit all of his problems and financials stresses. I know for better or for worse is a huge saying..but we haven’t said those words yet. Does he still feel the same towards me? What if I were the one without income? Would he be willing to support me and take on all my bills as I am now having to do for him? I know it may be wrong to say this, but this is where I keep my feelings 100%. And I just don’t feel like he would be okay with doing the same for me. I now have his insurance to pay, his tickets to pay off, and what ever other mumbo jumbo he pays. But…as they say, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I was 1 number away from a $20,000 lottery ticket yesterday..I got 4/5 winning numbers within the first 6 scratches…I thought life was about to lift me up sky high so I could thank jesus and my lucky stars..but 14 scratches later and I ended up getting my $2 back and a heavy heart because we were this close to winning. But…as they say, everything happens for a reason.